Ep. #83 Polyamory, Non-Monogamy, and The Process of Individuation w/ Dr. Joli Hamilton, PhD

Dr. Joli Hamilton

Dr. Joli Hamilton is a Relationship Coach, TEDx Speaker, Jealousy Expert, Research Psychologist, Professor, Author, and Podcast Host. The Relationship Coach for Couples Who Color Outside the Lines! Joli helps people experience the freedom, deep security, and sexual fulfillment that comes when they shift from plain-old monogamy to MORE. More WHAT exactly? Polyamory, ethical nonmonogamy, creative monogamy- Joli guides you out of the standard script and into the life you were meant to have!

“Your relationship can be both open and secure. It is possible. I help people do it every.single.day. Action-takers can have this life. Intentionally designed love, whether it is creatively monogamous or consensually non-monogamous, doesn’t mean sacrificing stability or depth of connection.  But the rules you learned about love won’t get you where you want to go.

You need a masterful coach to guide you. This is your most profound connection- you don’t want to risk losing it just to get laid- you’re an adult. But you also don’t want a walking-dead life just because someone else said buttoned-up was the only way to do love. It’s time to flip over tables and toss the rule books. My signature process gives you the skills you need to take full creative power over your love life!”

In this episode, Joli and Shane discuss her work and studies on polyamory – the practice of having more than one romantic or sexual partner. What exactly does polyamory entail? Who is polyamorous? What are some of the major challenges? What are the benefits? What about jealousy? Is polyamory a pathway to individuation? These are just a few of the topics up for discussion in this episode. 

Check Out Joli’s Podcast: Playing with Fire: Non-Monogamy& Individuation:

249 Is Your Non‑Monogamy Actually Just Two Monogamies? Playing With Fire

So you made the transition to non-monogamy… but you ended up feeling like you’re living two separate parallel lives in different relationships. This might not seem like that big a deal from the outside, but in many cases, having a siloed relational life can cause profound suffering.This isn’t just about having different relationships with different people (that’s normal and healthy, whether you’re monogamous or not!). It’s about psychological fragmentation that can lead to broken commitments, memory gaps, and a sense of wrongness you can’t seem to shake.I call this bifurcated monogamy—a phenomenon where people unconsciously split their relational world into separate, incompatible realities. If you've ever struggled with time management between partners, found yourself unable to remember important details, or felt completely broken when two partners are in the same room together, this episode will help you understand what's happening and what you can do about it.In this episode, we talk about:— What bifurcated monogamy actually is and how it differs from healthy parallel polyamory— Psychological splitting and how it shows up in non-monogamous relationships— The difference between holding multiplicity as your whole self versus fragmenting into separate selves— Red flags to watch for: time blindness, memory gaps, mutually exclusive commitments, and feeling "broken" when partners are together— How internalized polyphobia fuels the unconscious need to split our relational worlds— The role of mono-normative conditioning and why we have to keep "squeegeeing our souls" of these projections— Ken's personal experiences with this phenomenon across romantic relationships, co-parenting dynamics, and even professional contexts— Why privacy needs versus transparency needs can create impossible situations without awareness— The protective mechanism behind splitting and why it makes sense (even though it doesn't actually protect us)— Practical tools for addressing bifurcation— Why this is something to bring to therapy or coaching rather than trying to white-knuckle your way through— How to know if you've created relational situations that genuinely cannot coexist versus situations that need better integrationResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on transition management— Learn more about relationship agreementsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at http://www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
  1. 249 Is Your Non‑Monogamy Actually Just Two Monogamies?
  2. 248 Beyond People-Pleasing: Practicing Healthy Autonomy in Relationships
  3. 247 Non-Monogamy, Mono-Mind: The Invisible Scripts Running Your Communication
  4. 246 We Opened up Too Fast. What Do We Do Now?
  5. 245 Check-Ins That Actually Work

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